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January 09
Bad Day at Suicide Rock
Normandy, France - Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely, but cut through the hanging rope instead. Freed of the threat of hanging, Mr. LeFevrier plunged into the sea. The sudden plunge into the freezing waters extinguished the flames and apparently made him vomit the poison as well. He was dragged out of the water by witnesses on the beach below the cliff and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
Bad Day Watching the TV Football Game
St Louis, Missouri - James Shivers, 60, fired a pistol at his 26-year-old son Tony for standing in front of the television during a Holiday Bowl football game between the University of Missouri and Colorado State. He missed (later he told police he did not mean to hit his son), but the son grabbed the pistol and began beating his father until the gun broke apart. The elder Shivers then got a shotgun from a cupboard and fired twice into his son, killing him. Reuters - 30 December 1997
Bad Day at the Homemade Bungee Jump
Reston, VA - A 22 year old Reston man, Jeff Lucas, was found dead after he tried to use Occy straps (those stretchy ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax, VA police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle, jumped and hit the pavement.
Bad Days at the Dance Studio
Lisbon, Portugal - Dance teacher Alberto Fargo tangoed to his death straight out of a fifth-floor window. Police in Lisbon said Fargo was showing his dance class how to keep the head high by looking at the ceiling. Sunday Independant (Dublin) - 15 November 1998
Barcelona, Spain – Rogelio Pena died in a fall from Mr. Pena’s third-floor dance studio. Other instructors said Mr. Pena was demonstrating a difficult Pasa Doble maneuver to his student Francesca Olivera and never even noticed the open window. October 24
An older man was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed.
So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer.
One day on his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home.
He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car."
So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it.
A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just shouts "Yea?"
"I'm Officer Smith. What are you doing down there?"
"Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose."
"Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your cars just rolled down the road and crashed into a tree."
May 06 Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
A.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?!
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch! April 03 50 "Other" Facts of Life...
1- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6- There are more chickens than people in the world.
7- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
9- All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on
4:20.
10- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver or purple.
11- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
12- Where is the online database of new car lowest invoice prices?
13- There are only 4 words in the English language which end
in dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
14- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
15- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
16- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
17- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
18- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
19- The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's
a Wonderful Life."
20- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
21- A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
22- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
23- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
24- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
25- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
26- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
27- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
28- The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
29- A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
30- A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but
actually clear.
31- Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth,
which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honor
of his brother. It is also misspelled on his tomb stone.
32- Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he
doesn't wear pants.
33- More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed
in plane crashes.
34- Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
35- Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
36- Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.
37- If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually
turn white.
38- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
39- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.
40- The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter in the English language.
41- The names of the continents all end with the same letter
with which they start, with the exception of North America.
42- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using
the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
43- The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left.
44- A snail can sleep for 3 years.
45- American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 byeliminating one
olive from each salad served in first-class.
46- The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
47- Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a
population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
48- "Go!" is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
49- No president of the United states was an only child.
And last and definitely most important:
50- The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it! November 24 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, and cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done,
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says, "What's taking so long.... Aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain,
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter!
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE
[Thanks to Cindy Corbett]
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