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January 09 strange deathsBad Day at Suicide Rock
October 24 men and cars lol
An older man was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day on his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just shouts "Yea?" "I'm Officer Smith. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your cars just rolled down the road and crashed into a tree."
May 06 not 4 kidsQ. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! A.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?! A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A . They don't have balls to scratch! April 03 more stupid facts50 "Other" Facts of Life... 1- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 35- Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump." November 24 womens xmas'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin. I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess! Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need! My feet are both blistered, and cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs. There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing; Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging. Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done, My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor. He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!" He looks all around and with total regret, Says, "What's taking so long.... Aren't you through in here yet??" As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room in terror and pain, And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!" Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh damn it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!! I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter! And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE [Thanks to Cindy Corbett] when santa lost his diazapamDear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who the friers names their kid "Francis" nowadays? - Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! - Santa Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? - Santa
Dear Santa, way to confuddle santaConfusing Santa
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could lose a few pounds for the sake of the raindeers.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to
get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes
crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big,
red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding
signs that say, "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a
loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the
chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the magician, clowns,
and pony rides arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon
as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't
have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with
a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate
out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a
dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.
When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and
say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with lots of last-minute
changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies out where Santa's sure to
see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's
got a red nose!" Then fire a pop gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include
a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new
house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa
to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from
a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's
in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up,
act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and
then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both
of us." November 23 hehe someting that got me tickledwhats white, cold and doesnt fly?
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a fridge!!! November 06 mental homeon a tour of a home for the mentally disabled the inspector comes accross a room containing a bath beside the bath was a bucket, a thimble and a spoon. he asked the doctor who he was with what the room was for. the doctor gives him a demonstration and fills the bath. "well sir" he said " we fill the bath and ask the patients which item they would use to empty the bath" the inspector asks why and learns that its a technic used to see if the patients are ready to go home "and of course when they pick the bucket they are allowed home?" he quires. no replies the doctor when they pull the plug they are allowed home............................................"would you like a window bed?" September 15 funnyJohn woke up one morning immensely aroused,so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed His wife,Heather had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to take this note to his "beautiful Mommy." The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed. Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to Daddy. Her note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today. John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to"the lady in the kitchen." His note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head. Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to "the poor dude upstairs." Her note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand! September 03 people1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When yo u are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? mans idea of a funny joke to play on his mateThe Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. There was one I would really like to have." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price make sure you get all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this 'cell phone' belongs to?" a virgins nightmareA girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night August 18 MY FAVE CARTOON PERSONA WEE TICKLE
WHY DID TIGGER STICK HIS HEAD DOWN THE LOO?? TO LOOK FOR POO!! August 17 i pick on men so much i felt bad sooooo.........here is one for men to enjoyA store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5
- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. - There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited. jokes againLittle Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi ... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullspitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual
check this outVery tricky maths.
Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Take 1000 and add 40. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
answer i got 5000 but i was wrong when worked with a calculator its 4100
Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
answer mary hehe inner peaceHOW TO ACHIEVE INNER PEACE! I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has definitely worked for. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... So far today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, some Valium, a small box of chocolates and 9 beers. You have no idea how good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace. second stage diet (1st stage is in previous blog)Female Stress Diet This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope AFTERNOON TEA LATE NIGHT SNACK 2. When drinking a diet-coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet-coke. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (for example:chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka) 5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner. 6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are partof the entertainment package and not counted as food intake.(this includes: popcorn, minties, maltesers, jaffas and frozen cokes) 7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage. 8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something. 9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. 10.Chocolate is a food-colour wildcard and may be substituted for any other colour. 11.Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of calorie mass. 12.Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and the fat will cling to his/her plate. And remember: |
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